I'm positively angry about this one. There should be some sort of law, which requires film-makers who come up with such an awesome title, to deliver on a minimum percentage of the potential with their finished movie. Even if the bar was set very low - say, 10% - this would be in violation of the law, for its startling ability to piss on all the audience's hopes and aspirations. It's probably close to 70 minutes in, before the epic confrontation promised by its name, actually starts, and until then... Wow, this is almost entirely tedious. The main focus is "Vizens," a strip-club run by Jeanette (Douglas). When one of the customers, unable to restrain himself, turns into a werewolf in the middle of a (startlingly unsexy) private dance by Justice (Silva), and she stabs him in the eye with a silver fountain pen. Which, as we all know, is part of every stripper's attire. The rest of his pack, under alpha male Ferris (Murray), want revengs, not least because Jeanette has been on their shit-list after an incident at another club, 25 years previously.
If only the movie had been as direct and to the point. Or, put another way, cut a long story short (hohoho, that being a nod to the presence of Spandau Ballet's Martin Kemp, playing that first victim). For it is a long, tedious, uphill crawl to the point where anything exciting happens, and the points of entertainment on the way are few and far between. They mostly belong to Simon Phillips, playing a startlingly-inept vampire hunter, who is plagued by self-doubts about his hot Goth girlfriend (Nedeljakova), though there are also nice cameos by well-known faces like Alan Ford and Robert Englund. On the downside, the werewolf make-up and transformations are truly bottom of the barrel, the soundtrack is dreadful, and Glendening seems know how dull the product is, so tries to spice things up with pointless gimmicks like split-screen. It's all enough to leave you yearning for the subtle and understated charms of Lesbian Vampire Killers. Now, there's a sentence I'll bet you never thought you'd see.
D
[April 2015]
